This review was stolen verbatim from the Internet.
Unfortunately, the graphics were lost, so you have
to use your imagination. -RDB

The Doug Out, Richfield, Ohio Rating: *STAY AWAY*

If you are near a phone, go there right now and call the Mayor of Richfield and tell him that his town is beset by a cruel fraud. That fraud is the Doug Out Pub and Grill. DO NOT EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ENTER THIS ESTABLISHMENT.

My brothers Skippy and Den had heard that the Doug Out sported well over 100 imported beers, many not be found elsewhere in the state. In fact, upon entering the darky, musty bar room, we marvelled at the selection of bottles displayed on the shelf above the bar. Included were Kruhl Brau and the fabled East India Lager in the green bubble-glass bottle. Perhaps we had died and gone to import heaven.

But - not to be. When we ordered (Altos for me, Shepard Brew for Denley and Skip wanted an Occer Schtress), the bartender went to a glass-front cooler populated with Heinekens and Rolling Rock and after a cursor search announced that they were out of those three particular beers.

We were a bit taken aback but once again examined the shelf and ordered again. This time Skippy wanted a Chocolate Beirintross, Den liked the Amsterdam Port,and I ... I asked for an Abbott's Light.

Once again, they were out of those particular brands. Skippy ordered a Heineken and Dennis ordered a Rolling Rock, but I asked why there was a bottle of Abbott's Light on the shelf if they didn't have any for sale. That was my big mistake.

At this point, the molto stout fellow sitting just a few stools away from us - as it later turns out, the very owner of the Doug Out - raised himself from the murky depths of his alcoholic haze and looked in our direction. "Whay Esklot Dlooy Plog!", he yelled us in a loud voice. And either he was sporting a glass eye or he was very drunk indeed.

We all agreed later that this was the most unnerving thing that had happened to us in years - reminiscent of the time in our childhood that Uncle Homer had used the scuba equipment to create the terrifying Pond Monster, awash with naugehyde, unidentifiable car parts, and Christmas decoration. Much like as the Pond Monster rearing forth from the water, burbling and snorting, as we fished from the dock on that quiet Summer day, the bloated drunk at the bar had focussed on us and was spraying saliva as he screamed" "Wreeuy Awoskod Oeey Blor."

When there was no reply forthcoming from any of the three of us, the owner straightened himself up - a great whale of a man, and repeated himself, this time using many more English words than before. We consulted and agreed that he had said: "If you don't like it you can get out" or something very close indeed.

We were stunned. For a second. I though that Skippy was going to start crying just like he did with the Pond Monster twenty years ago. But he was only three then and this time he had control of himself.

Dennis was the one who finally confronted the situation. He said, "you're throwing us out because you don't have any of the beers on the shelf?"

Mr Doug Out, by this time purple of face, had roused his immense bulk to his feet and grabbing a draft beer mug from the bar before him, sent it sailing in our direction. Happy to say, the poor lost soul was so horribly soused that his aim proved wild and the mug broke a window rather than a head, but we took alarm at this attack and retreated toward the door.

And the Leviathin followed in a sweeping, lurching path, arming himself as he came with ashtrays and beer bottles. We didn't wait any longer but dashed to the parking lot, where we could hear the crash of glass behind us.

This is the dire straits to which our hobby has been dragged. The cunning and merciless merchants know that we are willing to spend money for hard-to-obtain imports. But they believe us to be so stupid and sheep-like that we will settle for gazing upon an exotic empty bottle on a shelf while drinking a Heineken. In this case, when we challenged him, the knave became violent.

I personally have complained about this incident to the Liquor Control Board here in Ohio, and Dennis wrote to the The Attorney-General's office (false advertisement is a criminal act in this state), but that is not enough. This sort of thing has got to be quashed. I suggest that you do your part. The Mayor of Richfield can be reached at 216-659-9500. His name is Dan Larson and he's willing to listen to you. Call him today.

Contact the RockDog at RockDog@pop.ohio-state.edu

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