The other day someone asked me "why do you junkyard guys always have those nasty dogs?" This question set me to thinking, and here is the fruit of that labor.
Mary Ann is a delightful young lady but she has a terrible habit of locking keys in cars. Usually this is merely an inconvenience because she usually has locked the same keys in the same car before and usually knows how to get them out. But camping at Mr Appleby's, it was the first time that she had locked the keys in Filthy's car, one of those Ford sort of vehicles.
Filthy didn't get upset but immediately enlisted the aid of Dale, who is reputed to be the best body man in Pittsburgh, and Dale, true to his legend, dug a chunk of sheet metal, some aviation snippers and a chrome ball peen hammer from his trunk and fabricated a slim jim, which is the proper tool for the job. He gave some fast instruction in the use of the tool and for the next four hours there was always someone poking the slim jim down Filthy's door.
As it turned out, and as Dale had warned might be the case, Ford had carefully installed a shield to prevent entry with a slim jim. This would be a security precaution. The door was finally opened when Mr Appleby's daughter Anita got a coat hanger, stuck it down the window and gave the handle a yank. It took her about 15 seconds to get in the car.
Now, is this is a case where the college-boys at Ford had mastery of the little picture but didn't know that there are trees in a forest? Or is the Ford slim-jim shield a security blanket - a blanket that Mom gave you when you were a little mumser so that you felt safe and warm?
Some years ago Kevin drove a 64 beetle named Miss Oo-Oo-Oogly as his work car. It was dependable although giga ugly, and the brakes were MULTIPLE pumpers. Those earlier days were simpler times, theft did not seem to be so rampant as today, and he always left the key in the ignition (and he still does).
Attending a meeting up on West 6th street in Cleveland, Kevin had to park Miss Oo-Oo-Oogly on the street, and so every fifty minutes he would have to excuse himself from the meeting, take the elevator down to the lobby, walk half a block and put another quarter in the meter. Actually, this is the perfect way to handle a meeting as you get to stretch your legs, stop at the restroom, and bother the receptionist periodically.
On his third trip down to the meter, however, Kevin discovered that Miss Oo-Oo-Oogly was gone. The parking spot was still empty, and his first thought was that the meter had expired and his bug been towed, but - no - there was still time on the meter. So he walked out in the street, looked in one direction and didn't see Miss Oo-Oo-Oogly, looked in the other direction, and there - directly under the stop light at the end of the block - sitting with the doors still open where the bug finally stopped the first time the thieves tried to use the brakes - was the vehicle, key still in the ignition. So he ran down, started it up and parked it back in the same parking place.
And he left the key in the ignition. No security blankets here. That car was theft-proof.
In Brazil, by law every car sold is sold with a fire extinguisher. In the USA every car is expected (in Ohio, mandated by law) to have insurance. Both approaches are security-minded, but the Brazilians have a lot less burned up vehicles than we do. We feel that the machinery can always be replaced with the insurance money and if folks die in the fire, well - hopefully they were insured as well.
But is insurance much different from the slim-jim shield that the top-gun engineers at Ford designed? Does it address the problem or give the buyer a false sense of protection? Would all the junk in the junkyard sleep better if there was an electronic surveillance security blanket or would it still be a rude and fitful slumber?
The guys at Ford could care less if someone is going to steal your car. Maybe they would even prefer it. Their only concern is selling as many of their their sloppy product as possible. The guys down at the state legislature could care less if someone is going to rob you. They are only concerned about getting elected and getting their hands on some more of your money. Depending on gadgets or gimmicks or wizardry or politicians or insurance companies or security forces or anything of that ilk will eventually undoubtedly disappoint you.
The only person who has a vested interest in maintaining your well-being and protecting your possessions and loved ones is you yourself, and if you do not stand up and take responsibility you will be at the mercy of every thief, robber, and aluminum siding salesman around you.
And that, my friends, is the reason that we have junkyard dogs at junkyards. They are our security blanket. And they bite.
c 1996 Air Cooled Volkswagen Junkyard of Richfield, Ohio
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